Bleeding Aussie Roo Shaggers
As
a Kiwi, sometimes I am horrified to be mistaken for an Aussie. Usually
by Americans. So now I’m going to explain some key differences between
Kiwis and Aussies.
People
in other countries often assume that because we are neighbours, we are
just like each other, and great mates as well. But nothing could be
further from the truth. We are more like North and South Korea, Serbia
and Croatia, or England and Ireland.
First
the big issue, the elephant in the closet. Aussies shag Kangaroos. It
is a bizarre obsession, and they do it constantly. In a desperate
attempt to cover up this national embarrassment they have even made up a
story that Kiwis shag sheep. So despite the fact that this has never
happened, they always refer to us as “sheep shaggers”
And
the next big one is that they can’t speak English properly. So again
they have made up a story to cover up the embarrassing truth. Because
there are some vowels they can’t pronounce, they claim that they have no
issues with their own speech, and it’s Kiwis that are wrong.
The
most famous example is “fish and chips” Aussies can’t pronounce either
of these words so they say “feesh and cheeps”. Although anyone who can
speak English properly can hear this obvious balls up, as a cover story
they accuse Kiwis of saying “fush and chups”
Then
there is the whole Rugby thing. Aussies are obsessed with Rugby, it’s
their national sport, but they are not very good at it. In fact every
time there is a NZ vs Aus test match they get totally spanked by the All
Blacks, and have their arses handed to them on a plate.
So
in typical Aussie fashion they have invented their own version of Rugby
that no other country plays. It’s even called “Aussie Rules”. Odd
looking men in tight shorts wrestle about in a homoerotic fashion in
front of stadiums filled with drunken Aussies fantasizing that they are
watching some public roo shagging.
Another
issue of great contention is the Pavlova theft. Australia was
originally set up by the English as a penal colony – a place to ship all
their criminals to, and get rid of them once and for all. So Aussies,
in between shagging kangaroos, like to steal things. It’s in their
blood.
At
some point they decided to steal our national pudding, claim they
invented it, and then to add insult to injury, they now claim we stole
it from them.
An
area that Australia really is world famous for, is feminism. NZ was the
first country in the world to give women the vote, and New Zealand is
ranked number 4 behind Iceland, Norway and Sweden on the Women in Work
Index.
Australia meanwhile, is just famous for its angry militant feminists.
An
Aussie “feminist” called Clementine Ford regularly makes headlines for
saying things like “Have you killed any men today? – If not, why not?”
And the scary thing is that she is not a stand up comedienne taking the
piss out of femnazis. She is a regular Aussie femnazi!
While
these things are some of the more critical issues for any Kiwi to keep
in mind, I suppose I had better add in another key fact for overseas
readers. Australia is a vast desert with hardly any people in it, just
millions of dingos and kangaroos. They have the most poisonous spiders
and snakes of any country, their rivers are filled with crocodiles and
the surrounding sea is filled with sharks.
New
Zealand has no dangerous or poisonous animals. None at all. We just
have millions of sheep and soft cuddly possums. Australia has possums
too, but theirs are really ugly looking things. And that is an analogy
for the whole NZ vs Aus thing. Yes we have similarities, but in every
case NZ is totally superior.
A NZ possum – we have over 30 million of these cute animals, and they are treated like a national treasure
Australia
has more than 30 creatures that can kill someone in less than the time
it takes to post a Twitter status update “I’ve been swimming with some
friendly jellyfeesh but now I feel a bit sheet so I’m going to…”
Both
countries are well aware of these underlying truths, but only one has
dedicated the past century to making up ever more deranged stories in a
desperate attempt to disguise the fact that they can’t say “chips”
